Pages

Saturday, December 26, 2009

~ the regalia of queasiness

Sometimes it feels as if this public journal of mine - these Sails of Oblivion, these Pavilions of Lethargy, these Blue Birds of Delirium - are indeed that: the blusterings of a clueless old misanthrope at odds, utterly, with the world and determined, when he has the energy, to rail against anything that pops into his wormy green brain.

Does it feel like that to you? Sometimes ...? And exactly how serious am I when I voice such things?

To be honest, I’m not sure. Certainly, I’m not always so drained and disappointed as I might seem of late, and yet ....

The Oriflamme of Tension ... The Obelisk of Weariness ... The Cinders of Accomplishment ...

On paper, things are looking better - particularly with Jenny’s return to the household. For me, single parenting is a thorny, complex, well-nigh impossible task, and that vision of Jenny on the porch, sparkling, freshly toweled, was like the answer to a prayer. Blue beads of health gleaming in her flesh. Sclera white as the dove of peace. Sudden streaks of blonde, bleached into child-soft hair. She was, at last, an unclouded girl. My uncontaminated woman. With her bags. On the steps.

Better. On paper. But until the passing of the big black cloud, much is relative. In the half-light, my spirit is wrestling a depraved axolotl of tremendous size, while treading water at the bottom of a flooded silo in which
the concrete walls are slickened by a mat of phlegm-green algae. Better is when I briefly achieve a foothold. Better is when I steal a decent lungful of air.

The Gonfalon of Apathy ... The Ramparts of Debauchery ... The Regalia of Queasiness ...

But things will change. As they always do. And I think I have some decent karma saved in the soul bank for just this eventuality. I hope though, that during the interim, I’m not boring or depressing you with my tales of gloom and bad fortune. Especially at Yuletide, when most of you will already be battling depression, anxiety, frustration, anger and regret.

Christmas is a time when quality media input is indispensable. I must have my input; it’s as sustaining for me as food and drink.

Yet Jenny says I’m shutting out the world, that I lack the courage to be quiet and listen to the murmurings of my brain. That I’m losing my interest in people other than myself.

She’s right, but only to a point. When I put my head to the pillow and close my eyes, my mind immediately turns to the potential for imprisonment and homelessness. That’s why I need my ipod.

Even today - after Di’s characteristically elegant, inevitably toothsome Christmas feast - I slipped upstairs to have a nap accompanied by my nano and by This Week In Virology. The other night, realising that my pod was low on charge, I meditated upon the possibility of drifting to sleep without Starship Sofa or Pseudopod. Or, god forbid, X Minus One.

Before long I was out of bed, feeding electrons to my constant companion, to my dear and trusted friend.

The Waters of Lethe ... The Undercurrents of Despair ...

If you can, forgive the monotony of my emotional state. And allow me to thank you for accompanying me through such a long, peculiar and eventful year. Consider yourselves in receipt of a warm and loving Christmas embrace and a flurry of New Year kisses.

The Turrets of Crapulence ... The Bulkheads of Chaos ... The Bunting of Madness ...

The Sails of Oblivion ...

Stumble Upon Toolbar DiggIt!

6 comments:

Fridge Magnet said...

"Does it feel like that to you? Sometimes ...? And exactly how serious am I when I voice such things?"

No. Not ever. It feels to me that you are a poet, sometimes struggling to make it through a world that can be less than poetic.

Ann ODyne said...

dear Sam, we are only days away from the start of twenty-ten
a symbolic new year, fresh slate, starting point, a place to say
Onward and Upward!

so I wish youse all the best things and only good things for that.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sam,

I'm glad I discovered your blog this year. When I visit, I find myself lingering over your language and pondering your dilemnas. I have a few of my own and I also keep dipping in and out of depression and anxiety. It's good to hear a creative voice wrestle with existence and the problems of trying to survive in a painfully difficult and painfully beautiful world. I hope the struggle gets easier and the beauty wins out over the pain in 2011.

Anonymous said...

Ha - I know where I'm at! I think I just wished you a good 2011 ... I meant 2010 of course ... I think ...

deli-cut said...

Hi Sam, I think this is the first comment I've left. I stumbled across your blog a few months ago and have really enjoyed reading it. I think your sharing your struggles is simply honest, not an overload of negativity. We're all on a journey, with all the ups and downs that implies, and I think your sharing of your feelings - good or bad - makes us all feel a bit less alone on that journey. I wish you the best for 2010.

Sam Sejavka said...

A very belated thank-you for your beautiful comments. Thanks

love

Sam