Saturday, February 16, 2008

~ shock

It wasn’t a huge crash. All I did was butt into a car from behind, but it’s having reverberations. It’s dropped me slap bang into the emotional state I was in directly after I last ran into trouble with cars.

That was a terrible, squalid time. It was during the heroin glut. I had a careering habit, and a fresh new car which I obliterated whilst stoned out of my head. I obliterated another car too, and lost my licence for a time, and completely lost my sense of self worth. I felt like a bottom-feeding drone not worth the noxious sediment it considers food.

I also had a badly injured hip and was on crutches for about a month. At the hospital a doctor told me I’d had a spinal injection some time in my past, and showed me the evidence on an x-ray, some calcified bone in my pelvis. I’m sure I’ve never had anything resembling a spinal injection … or whatever he said … I was stoned and in shock at the time … he may have said something different …

The experience should have made me stronger; that is what popular wisdom would have you believe. But since the other day, I feel like I’ve picked up the plot half way through that old nightmare. My self esteem has burrowed into the Earth. My motivation has evaporated. Everything I do seems without point. In my rational mind, I know that’s not the truth, but I can’t help feeling it. The fragile structure of faith and hope that keeps me going has suddenly, far too easily collapsed around me.

I know that time will heal it, but for a while it’s going to be murder. Thanks for listening, I don’t mean to whinge.

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princey said...

Oh no Sam, please don't feel like that. This lastesr car smash has obviously brought other bad memories back, but remember it was just an accident, we all have them without meaning too, it doesn'tt mean you're a worthless ninny! I know I don't you, but from what I can make out from all your blogs is that you are a really caring, funny and talented person and loved by a lot of people, don't forget that Sam. I hope you'll feel better soon and I really hope the next thing I read here is one of your excellent, trippy stories. They always cheer me up!
Take care,

Anonymous said...

Trite I know, but when it's behind you it will never threaten as dramatically again. And while vulnerability is a burden, can you be whole without it?

Helen said...

Commiserations. Car accidents really do suck - and they're expensive. Hope you recover soon both psychically and financially.

Ann O'Dyne said...

I sincerely hope there is no cost or acrimony involved.
Don't let it get you down,
don't sweat the small stuff -

when you think life is just too hard, it helps, it really helps to remember that the 'hard' is actually just NORMAL and that everybody is having a shit time

recap: shit = normal

kate said...

I am always amazed at the soul destroying vitriol that ensues from any sort of prang - from the other party who seem to morph from normal people to demons, both insurance companies, debt collectors, I have resolved to always pull over even if I only ever so slightly bump someone, carry a digital camera and record my actions, take photos and movies of the scene, assume the other party will lie, its all a game of bluff

the trouble is, a car worth insuring involves debt to buy, so its really a case of choosing either immediate debt or future debt

you have my sympathy sam

Matt said...

Hey Sam,
Sorry to hear about all the shit going on.
This sort of situation sucks . . . playing the memory over and over in your mind saying if only,if only, if only.
But you're right. It all fades with time.
And you're not in the same place now as then, so the recovery will definitely be a lot quicker.
Hug your loved ones close. That'll help.

lily was here said...

Sam, only you can take you to where you go.
Dont let those bastards get you down, and by bastards i mean mental and physical. I hope youre on a better plane today. Theres so much to look forward to! Future episodes of LOST? Wayne Careys court battles LOL
love Sue

Sam Sejavka said...

Thanks for all the concern. It seems like a bad dream now, but it does help to vent at the time.

I spent Saturday in Albert Park with dear Robert and a pile of sledgehammers, crowbars, bricks [plus more conventional tools] and by the end of the day, believe it or not, the Renault 12 was running again [though it looks a bit bumpy].

It's given such long good service [34 years, about 8 with me]that I'm beginning to think about retiring it. But not quite yet ... [thank god I have a spare I can cannibalise in the car port]

My only other problem is the looming cost of the other car,but I'll deal with that at the time. It really is amazing how these things can affect you, but I'm returning to normal at a rapid pace, and thanks again for all your kind words.